


All I Ask

by bythelightofthenight



Series: almost hit the floor au [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: M/M, Pining, aka random mentions of basketball.., an almost hit the floor au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 11:37:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8247356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bythelightofthenight/pseuds/bythelightofthenight
Summary: Nathan thinks of the last time he was home. His dad knows about his situation and he's been great about it all. But he knows he makes him worry. 
   “I just don't want you to wake up in ten years, thinking the best years of your life are over, and while your career was impressive, you're still alone”, David had said.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is the farthest thing from my best work i wrote this in three days to fight writer's block, i know nothing about basketball and i didn't even bother to check. honestly like .. good luck reading this i finished it like half an hour ago 
> 
> OH YEA and most importantly i wrote in the monty w long hair i mentioned a lil ago i live ok bye
> 
> warnings: mental health issues, mentions of past suicidal feelings, closet discussion, some homophobia mentions but it's more kinda unfortunate facts than nothing else

As long as Nathan can remember, he's just wanted to play basketball. He was going to play in the NBA and nothing else mattered. 

He got drafted in college, and he knew he'd made his dad proud. Playing for the L.A. Devils is everything he's ever wanted, everything he worked for. He's living his dream. 

Bellamy smacks him with his towel as he walks out of the shower like he does whenever Nathan gets lost in his head. “You gonna stay here all night?”

He just rolls his eyes. Bellamy’s been his best friend ever since he started on the team. He'd been nervous about getting along with his teammates, but Bellamy made him feel at ease right away. 

Bellamy’s the opposite of the usual toxic masculinity in the locker room. He's been together with his girlfriend for a few years without drama. The revelation of their relationship was a success from PR’s point of view; the audience couldn't get bored with the _captain_ of the team. But everyone loves Bellamy and they can't help loving Raven too. 

The team manager walks into the locker room without much warning. They're used to it by now. Indra’s too busy to wait around for them. 

“Great game today! Keep it up. Anyone have any pressing issues for me?”

Nathan’s barely listening. He's stuck staring at Indra’s assistant Monty. They got to know each other a little when he was wanted as the head of a few campaigns and needed more consultations with management. Monty catches his eye and smiles. Nathan manages a weak smile back before turning his gaze to the floor. 

Once they're gone, Bellamy throws a sweaty sock at him. “You were staring.”

“What can I say; Indra’s a foxy lady.”

Bellamy taps something on his phone and holds it out for him to see. “Somehow that's the gayest thing you've ever said”, it says. 

Bellamy's the only person on the team who knows he's gay. He's been more than accommodating about him being in the closet, never saying anything out of line. Nathan appreciates it, appreciates him and having someone who knows. 

He's known since he was 13. But silly crushes never came before his goals. Bellamy had just frowned when he'd explained he didn't date anyone. He knew what it sounded like, but he knew what the industry was like and he wasn't about to share such a big part of himself to a world that didn't care about him. 

It's also why his minor crush on Monty is a minor problem. Publicly he dates women. He had an almost a year-long pretend relationship with his friend Harper, who’s a part of the company’s dance team. She only ended it when she actually found herself a girlfriend. They're not public either, but he's never seen Harper happier. 

Nathan doesn't know when he started daydreaming about Monty, but it's really not like him. He likes staying composed, stoic even. Monty remains like a splinter under his skin. 

He and Bellamy leave together. Raven’s waiting at the end of the hallway, and Bellamy swoops down for a kiss as soon as they reach her. Raven rubs Nathan’s shoulder and congratulates him on the win. He hates how he notices the way Bellamy keeps his hands on her. 

His apartment always seems emptier after games. Winning brings a bubble of good mood, a loss the wish to be comforted. Bellamy said once he had the best sex of his life after a victory. Nathan sighs; thinking about his best friend's sex life is the last thing he needs. 

He crawls into bed, knowing their morning practice will kill him otherwise. The adrenaline hasn't faded yet and he feels restless. It brings his thoughts right back to Monty. He wore a dark gray suit, his hair tied back like always. Even from afar, the urge to run his hands over his body was a weight in the pit of his stomach. 

Nathan lets out a resigned sigh and slides his hand down his chest and into his boxers. In the dark he releases all the fantasies that plague him during the day with the quick jerks of his hand. As he gets closer to coming, he focuses on the thought of holding onto Monty's hair as he swallows his cock. His orgasm leaves him boneless and he drifts off to sleep soon after. 

\--

Seeing Monty the next morning isn't what he'd planned. He's holding a cup of coffee and smiling brightly as he spots him. 

“Hey, Miller. Can you swing by my office after practice? Indra's out today, but she left me some of the papers you need to sign.”

“Yeah. I'll be there.” 

Monty pats his shoulder before he's off again, leaving Nathan shaking his head at himself. Practice couldn't come at a better time. He pours all his frustration into the reps he's doing, focusing only on the burn of his muscles. 

Bellamy’s in a great mood to no one’s surprise. He's humming under his breath like a cartoon princess come to life. When they're done, he tries to soak up as much of his relaxed energy as possible. Bellamy actually hugs him before leaving the locker room. 

Monty's office is always a controlled mess. He functions on high speed and does things his way. It seems to work for him. It works for Nathan too as he has something to focus on while he waits for Monty to finish his phone call. 

His tone is demanding, and Nathan feels bad for whoever’s trying to argue with him. Finally Monty takes a seat opposite him and smiles. 

“Hi. How are you?”

“I'm good. Thanks.” 

“Your last assist last night was beautiful.”

“Uh, thanks. So the...”

“Right!” Monty jumps back up and walks to the cabinet by the wall. “I've got the forms somewhere...” He bends down to file through the folders. Nathan's eyes trail up his legs, but he stops himself. “Here!”

Monty sets them down in front of him and takes a seat again. He waits while Nathan quickly reads through the paperwork and hands over a pen when he's ready to sign. 

“We good?”

“Actually”, Monty gives him an apologetic smile, “I was also told by PR to discuss your social media presence.”

“My what?”

“Exactly.” Monty types something on his laptop before turning it around. “This is your Twitter account. As you can see, it's run by most likely some of Jackson’s assistants. Promotional tweets, links to associated brands and sponsors.”

Nathan waits for the point. 

“It's boring as fuck”, Monty says. 

Nathan huffs out a laugh, and Monty's lips twitch. 

“Whenever Bellamy tweets about you or posts a picture of you, it gets a lot of attention. They want _you_ to start doing that too.”

“Can't Jackson’s assistants pretend to be me?”

“We’d have to pay them more.”

Nathan stares him down, and finally Monty cracks a smile.

“The point is, they're asking for a little effort from you. Some pictures. Your feelings after a game. Vague personal information.”

He raises a brow. 

“Like your favorite restaurant without it sounding like promo, what you're listening to when you work out. That kind of stuff. They'll know it's you. The real you.”

Nathan grimaces. That's the problem. 

“You could always do more interviews...”

Monty knows he's won. If there's something Nathan dislikes, it's non promo season interviews. They ask him about gossip and who he's dating and if Bellamy and Raven are breaking up. He hates it. 

“I hate you.”

“I think we all know you're madly in love with me, but sure.” Monty holds out his hand with a grin. Nathan hands over his phone, ignoring his words. As Monty's tapping away on it, one of his own phones buzzes on the table. He glances at it and makes an involuntary noise before flipping the device around. 

“What's that about?”

Monty glances up quickly. “Just my ex boyfriend. You give a guy a year of your life, they cheat on you, and six months later they won't stop texting you.”

Nathan grimaces. He can't imagine anyone cheating on Monty. He'd imagined having sex with Monty more times than he could remember, but the thoughts of _being_ with him he'd locked away indefinitely. This single thought, of someone having Monty and throwing that away, has now let them break loose all at once. Going to bed with him, having breakfast with him, making him laugh. 

It's overwhelming. 

Monty notices his silence and looks up at him. “You didn't know I'm gay? Is this gonna be awkward now?”

“No! I mean I didn't know but -- It's cool. I'm not --”

“Relax. I'm just messing with you.” Monty hands his phone back. “I need to go to a meeting. Come see me when you have time, yeah? I'll teach you how to work this thing.”

“Okay. Yeah.” Nathan pushes himself up and Monty stands too. 

“You alright?” 

Nathan meets his eyes, startled by the kind look in them. Still, he can't look away. “Yeah. Yes. All good.”

“See you later.” Monty's off with a wave. 

Nathan runs a hand over his face. All he can think about is Monty leaving him the same way but dropping a kiss on his cheek as he goes. He wishes the ground would swallow him whole. 

\--

Having spent the past days daydreaming about dating Monty, going to spend time with him alone is the last thing Nathan wants to do. But Monty insists so how could he refuse. 

Bellamy simply grins at him as he tugs his shirt over his head after practice. Nathan glares at him the whole time it takes him to get his shoes on and zip up his hoodie. He should’ve never mentioned anything about Monty, but he can’t help telling Bellamy everything. 

Monty’s door is ajar and he steps in with a light knock on the frame. 

“Hi. Sorry, I’m --” Monty stands in the middle of his office, shirtless. “I’m a mess.”

It takes a moment before Nathan can talk. Monty’s skin looks so soft he just wants to reach out and touch. His hips are slim and the muscles of his upper body lightly defined. Nathan’s mouth is dry. 

“I-It’s fine. I can wait.”

“No, no.” Monty waves him off. “I got coffee spilled on me and... Anyway, I have a spare shirt in here. No worries.” 

Nathan stays quiet while he changes. It’s a torturous minute or so, but he thinks he’ll always have the image imprinted behind his eyelids. 

“So!” Monty takes a seat opposite him. “Ready for Twitter?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” 

They spend the better part of an hour looking through the app on Nathan’s phone. He learns what to do and not to do. It's a miracle he hears any of it after Monty comes to sit next to him. His arm is warm against Nathan's where they're pressed together whenever he leans closer. 

“You promise to give it a go?”

Nathan sighs. “I can try.”

Monty's frowning slightly. “It's not that bad, is it?”

“No. I get it. They want more attention on the brand. We need to be more approachable. That's never been one of my best qualities.” Nathan stands up before Monty can say anything. “See you at the game?”

“Yeah. Good luck!” 

\--

It's the first away game of the season. They set off for the plane at the crack of dawn to reach Chicago. 

Nathan's still half asleep when he climbs on the plane. His teammates greet him through yawns as he looks for a seat. Raven and Bellamy are sitting side by side, talking quietly over her phone. 

The only thing Bellamy really uses his status for is getting Raven to travel with them. She gives him a small wave when he passes. Bellamy offers a smile. 

Nathan spots the nearest free seat and slumps down. At his side, Monty startles slightly. He looks... The best word he has is _cute_ , but it doesn't seem to cut it. 

They don't really speak during takeoff. Before Nathan notices, Monty's breathing evenly and his head falls on his shoulder. Nathan doesn't mind. He wants to sink into it, the feeling of intimacy and comfort. But Monty's just tired. It means nothing. 

His father will be coming to the game. Nathan thinks of the last time he was home. His dad knows about his situation and he's been great about it all. But he knows he makes him worry. 

“I just don't want you to wake up in ten years, thinking the best years of your life are over, and while your career was impressive, you're still alone”, David had said. 

Nathan doesn't expect him to understand how dysfunctional a relationship can get with someone like him. Someone who wants to keep it hidden just in case, not out of dire purpose. He doesn't want someone he loves to think he doesn't think they're worth it. 

Monty sleeps against his shoulder for the whole flight, while Nathan thinks about sharing a life with him. It's a lot, but he can't help it. He's opened the floodgates. The possibility of love is all he can think about, now. 

“Oh, sorry! You could've woken me.” Monty looks flustered when he wakes up. 

“It's fine. Don't worry.”

He wants to think he'd make the effort for Monty. He wants to think he'd give it all up for him. 

\--

Harper hands over the water bottle before dropping on the couch next to him, cradling a cup of tea. Maya's in the den, just the sound of her typing audible. 

“You look even less expressive than usually.”

“I don't.”

“Something on your mind?” 

“Just tired.”

“Two away games will do that, I guess.” Harper takes a sip. Her eyes never leave him, and he wonders how long till she reads his mind. 

“You don't have to worry.”

“I always worry about you. We may not be fake dating anymore, but you're still my man, okay?” 

Nathan cracks a smile. 

“How's Bellamy doing? He's a busy dude nowadays.”

“Yeah. He really wants this charity launched. He and Raven are working real hard on it.”

“Those two are such a power couple.” She turns to the direction of the den. “My, remind me later to call Raven!” 

“Okay!” 

“You two are doing well?” 

Harper smiles. “Really nothing like being able to wash off the stage makeup and come home to wear sweatpants with your boo. Or wear no pants.”

Nathan rolls his eyes fondly. Harper sets down her mug and shuffles closer, her voice lowering. 

“Are you lonely, babe?”

“What? No.”

“It's almost your bedtime and you're sitting on my couch just for a chat. You can talk to me.”

He sighs. “I've just been thinking too much. It doesn't always feel so nice being alone.”

“You can call me anytime. Okay? And you're always welcome here. That'll never change. You're not alone.”

“I know, H.” He takes her hand. “I'm fine. Maybe I just need to get laid.” 

Harper gives him a sad smile. “Yeah. Maybe.”

\--

They're cooling off after practice with some simple passes while Coach Kane’s talking with someone at the sidelines. Nathan throws the ball to Bellamy who scores with ease and jogs to catch the ball before it bounces off. 

“Alright, guys!” Coach claps his hands and they move closer. “Mandatory appearance tonight at the CEO’s party. Don't care if you stick around, but everyone shows up. Hit the showers.”

Nathan peels off his sweaty shirt, only listening to the chatter around him with one ear. Jones and Diggs are bragging about their dates. 

“You gonna show up this time, Miller? Or do you get a free pass so you'll stay clean?”

With a sigh he looks up at Murphy, who's looking more smug than usually. “What are you on about?”

Murphy ignores him, and he lets it go. The guy’s rarely worth his time. 

He shows up at the party with Bellamy. They'll stay for a few photo ops before making their exit. It's common occurrence. 

Nathan sips his glass of champagne and lets his eyes scan the room. There's more official looking strangers than people he knows. Bellamy's a steadying presence at his side, but his breath still catches a little. He probably shouldn't be drinking even a little bit. 

“I'm gonna go pee real quick”, Bellamy mutters, leaving his glass on the counter next to him. 

Nathan watches him move through the room with ease, greeting people whose names he probably can't remember but he'll never let it show. His eyes catch on Monty when Bellamy’s smile turns genuine. They chat for a short moment before Bellamy keeps moving and Monty notices him. 

He takes a deep breath as Monty walks towards him. He looks gorgeous in his black suit, and Nathan's chest feels tight. 

“Hey there.” Monty flashes him a smile. “Having fun?”

“Obviously.”

Monty laughs, leaning slightly closer. The smell of his cologne makes Nathan's knees feel a little weak. “I've thought about faking an injury a few times. A fork to the thigh would probably work.”

Nathan chuckles. “You could try.” 

“Have you been tweeting?”

He groans. “Maybe.”

Monty raises a brow. 

“Barely.”

It earns him a light smack to the arm. “When Bellamy comes back, I'm taking a picture of the two of you and you're tweeting it. You hear me?”

“Yes, sir.” 

Monty's smile is radiant. Nathan's never wanted to kiss him as badly. 

\-- 

Indra doesn't look happy when he gets to her office. Monty's already sitting in the chair next to him when he takes a seat. 

“What's up?”

There's no immediate response. Monty looks unusually uncomfortable. 

“What did I do now?” 

“You didn't do anything”, Indra says finally. “The tabloids have a new story they're going to run. About you.”

Nathan thinks about what he's done lately besides training, traveling and sleeping. Not much. “How bad can it be?”

Indra always looks stern, but there's an edge of sympathy in the face she makes. Fortunately she's not one to beat around the bush. 

“It's about your visit to rehab a couple years ago.”

His blood runs cold. They'd dealt with it at the time. Naming it an injury to the press. He wasn't quite as big of a household name back then so it worked. But now... 

He struggles to get the words out. “What, um, are they saying?” 

“Obviously they have no information on where you actually were. But a confirmation on rehabilitation was enough for them to run with it.”

“Do they -- Do they know?” 

“No.” 

Nathan laughs humorlessly. “What do they think I'm on?”

Monty checks something on his phone before speaking up, his voice shaky. “They're heavily implying cocaine.” 

Nathan shakes his head. The one thing he didn't end up doing is what they're going with. 

“There are a few ways to handle this”, Indra says quietly. 

He already knows them. Nathan gets up abruptly, still shaking his head. “Sorry. Sorry, I'm --” He walks out. His head is spinning and the walls were starting to close in. 

The locker room’s empty. Bellamy had teased him about getting sent to the principal’s office before leaving with the last few. He sits down and brings his head down between his knees. 

His ears are ringing too much for him to hear the approaching footsteps. The hand on his knee makes him open his eyes. Monty's kneeling on the floor in front of him. 

“Nathan. Hey.”

He puts his hand over Monty's to keep him there, but stays still otherwise. Slowly, his heart rate comes down from the immediate shock. Monty's thumb is stroking the side of his knee. 

Nathan sits up carefully. He takes a few sips from his bottle and breathes. Monty stays on the floor in silence. 

“Do you know?”

Monty meets his gaze unwaveringly. “I know it wasn't cocaine.” 

“It was my second year. I'd worked so hard, earned my place in the roster. But it got too much and... I wasn't happy.” 

“You don't have to tell me --”

“I want to.”

Monty swallows roughly and nods. 

“I got stuck in a really bad place. When I wasn't on the court or working out, I couldn't make myself relax. I wasn't sleeping enough or I was sleeping too much.” He runs a hand over his face. “I told Bellamy I needed help before I did something irreversible.” 

“That was brave.” 

“It didn't feel like it. But I got it done on the dl and it was fine. I got diagnosed, medicated, through hours and hours of therapy. I'm fine. Now.” 

“We can just let the rumor mill tire itself out. You don't have to say anything.”

“They won't leave me alone about it. It's smarter to make a statement.” 

Monty takes his hand. “It's not always about what's smartest.” 

Whatever he wanted to say flies out of his mind at the touch of Monty's fingers. He stares at their intertwined hands. Monty clears his throat and lets go. 

For a second it's awkward until Monty gets up, cursing his knees. 

“Sorry.”

“Don't worry. It's not my first time --” he cuts himself off before he can finish the thought, a flush coloring his cheeks. “Shut the fuck up.”

Nathan's already choking on a laugh, and Monty covers his face with his hands. 

“I'm never speaking to you again.” 

“Too bad it's your job.” 

Monty envelopes him in a hug before they leave the room. Nathan rests his chin on his shoulder and breathes in deep. 

\--

It takes a few days, but he decides to make a statement. He's talked to his dad, Bellamy, his dad again, and the head of some mental health association. Being a spokesperson is something he’s never wanted. He doesn't want to come out and tell the ugly truth that the industry just isn't great about it. It's a huge weight to carry on your own, to be a role model.

PR wants to turn it into something profitable. His victory over past hardships is a cause for fundraisers and good publicity. It's how it works. 

Raven sits with him as he tries to write down something to say. Monty promised to personally draft his speech, but he asked for him to participate so it's as comfortable as possible for him. Bellamy's snoring softly with his socked feet in Miller's lap and his head in Raven's. 

“It's really cool what you're doing.”

He looks up at Raven, who's running her fingers through Bellamy’s hair. “Uh, thanks.”

“It'll mean a lot to people.” 

“I just wish it didn't mean them putting all their hopes on me.” 

“You don't owe them anything. You're helping just by being you.” 

Nathan smiles at her. Bellamy makes a noise in his sleep, his toes curling against Nathan's thighs. 

He takes a picture of Bellamy’s penguin socks and tweets it, thinking about what Monty might say to him about it. 

\--

They've just lost a game, and no one’s in a good mood. He and Bellamy dawdle down the hallway. Monty's at the side of the front lobby, talking on the phone. Nathan says bye to Bellamy and goes over to him, just the thought of talking to him making him feel better. 

Monty looks surprisingly chipper as he ends the call. Nathan raises a brow at him. 

“You're not allowed to look happy for 12 hours after a loss.” 

“Sorry.” Monty bites down his smile. “I just have a date tonight.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I know. Wow, someone actually wants to go out with me.”

“No, I'm -- Good for you.”

Monty squeezes his shoulder. “Did you wanna talk about something?”

“No, I... just wanted to say good night. And, well, good luck on your date.”

“Thanks, Nathan.” Monty gives him a soft smile. He has to leave. 

At home, he throws his bag on the floor with a little too much force. He feels spent, but at the same time he wants to go on a run until he's too exhausted to move. 

Monty's going on a date. 

He doesn't know what he thought. That Monty would stay single forever just because Nathan has a crush on him? A crush he doesn't even know about. But the thought of him with someone else makes his skin crawl. 

He's let himself fall for Monty much harder than he should've. 

He wants to call Bellamy and complain. But he doesn't. Instead, he tries to sleep, doesn't touch himself, tries not to think about Monty, fails. 

It's not the best night for him, but he's seen way worse. For distraction, he turns to Twitter out of all things. He scrolls through his mentions, likes a few sweet tweets, even replies to some. 

The picture is just one among the many, but it catches his eye. It was taken by Raven - he remembers. He and Monty lean against the wall side by side. He's grinning at his phone, but it was at something Monty said. Monty's looking at him and smiling brightly in return. 

He lets himself feel despair for a moment. To wish that Monty's phone was filled with pictures like this of them. He hates how he immediately thought of a way to protect himself. His phone is more likely to get hacked or stolen. They could still exist in Monty's, though, maybe in his house. 

The thought of Monty on that date still eats at him. That someone else is making him laugh, touching him... 

He saves the picture against better judgment. 

\--

Nathan catches the ball and flips it in his hands a few times. They're nearly done for the day, but with an early morning ahead. The exhaustion is slowly creeping into his lungs. 

He throws the three-pointer just as Coach blows his whistle. Bellamy pats him on the back as they start towards the showers. Monty's courtside with Indra, and Nathan can't help himself. Bellamy rolls his eyes fondly as he changes his course. 

“Hey.”

Monty smiles at him in greeting while Indra nods curtly. She excuses herself and approaches Coach. 

“How was your date?”

Monty's eyes rise from his bare chest to his face, answering him just a beat too slowly. “Good. Good. It was fine. It was... a date.” 

Nathan crosses his arms, and Monty all but bites his lip. At his lifted brow, Monty huffs loudly. 

“Give me a break. You're a fit dude. _And_ sweaty.”

“I didn't say anything.”

Monty's eye-roll isn't subtle. He gets up and hops down from the stands. They fall into step easily.

“So... the date?”

Monty groans. “It wasn't great. It wasn't... special.”

Nathan can't help feeling cheery at his misfortune. The images in his head throughout the weekend were surely punishment enough. 

“He just wasn't the right guy.”

“I guess.” They stop by the locker room door. 

“Any guy would be lucky to have you.”

“You're not about to bro this up and suggest a blind date for me, are you? Because we're friends, Nathan. Don't do that to me.”

“You're good”, he chuckles. The hand he sets on Monty's shoulder for a friendly, encouraging touch lingers and even slides down to his bicep. They're both staring at it like his fingers suddenly developed a mind of their own, but he can't make himself move. 

Monty stammers something about work as he steps back. Nathan doesn't say anything, and Monty makes his exit. 

He's not sure what he's about anymore. What he does is not short of self destructive because he knows he can't have what he wants the most. Reaching over boundaries with a friend is not going to serve him any good. The more he steps out of the lines, the more he wants to keep doing it. 

\--

It's hard to notice at first. They have away games, press, intense practices. It's always a lot for both the players and their team. But they're not _that_ busy. 

Monty's avoiding him. He's sure of it. Bellamy says he's being paranoid. It doesn't help. 

When Nathan sits on his bed at night and thinks of the last time he spoke to Monty properly, it's hard to remember. He finds himself actually missing him. Monty hasn't come to all of their away games. He speaks to the other players, but not to Nathan. He's not being paranoid. 

He doesn't know if he's done something wrong. Maybe Monty's noticed his crush and feels too awkward to be around him anymore. Maybe he made him uncomfortable. 

After a chat with Raven, where she told him to allow himself the chance to ask for the truth, he heads to Monty's office. “You're friends. He's not acting very friend-like”, Raven said. He deserves an answer. 

It's late, but he knows Monty's still in. Nathan finishes his workout and waves bye to Mbege before hitting the showers. He gets dressed, trying to hold onto his determination for a little longer. 

The light is on in Monty's office. He knocks and steps inside. Monty looks tired when he looks up, moving his phone to his shoulder.

“I'm busy.”

“I'll wait.” Nathan takes a seat. 

Monty stares at him for a moment before getting back to his call. Nathan lets his eyes wander over the shadows under Monty's eyes, his loosened tie, the cluttered top of his desk. The post-it catches his attention as Monty lets his pen fall out of his hand. 

_DON’T CALL HIM_

The letters have been drawn over and over again. Nathan's chest feels tight. He shakes off the idea that it's about him. They never talk on the phone. Monty always comes to find him and they meet face to face. For the big press conference he even came over to Nathan's place as they worked on the speech together. Although Bellamy was there, the thought of how well Monty fit into his space stuck with him. 

Finally Monty sets down his phone with a sigh. He doesn't really look at him as he talks. “What's up?”

Nathan clears his throat. It feels ridiculous to accuse him of something like this, but he doesn't know a better way. “You're avoiding me.” 

“I'm not.” 

The lack of “what do you mean” spurs him on. “You are.”

“We work together, Nathan. This is inappropriate.”

“What is? That we're friends? Are we not?”

Monty cringes. “We are.” 

“I don't have a lot of friends, Monty, who know me - at least more than most. If you were just doing your job, it's fine. But say it to my face.” 

“I like being your friend. It's not --”

“Then what is it? Just tell me. Because I like... hanging out with you. But I'm an adult; I can handle it.” 

Monty shakes his head, opening his mouth but nothing comes out. 

He presses on. He's not sure why. It might be his own months and months worth of frustration coming out at once. “Come on, Monty. When are you ever out of words?”

“Why are you doing this? Huh? I'm busy with work. I'm not ignoring you. We spent a lot of time together because I made time for you.” 

Nathan clears his throat. “Why did you stop?” 

Monty takes a breath and finally meets his eyes. “You're making this so fucking hard on me”, he mutters. “Fine. You know what? Fine. I like you. Okay? I like you way more than I should. I'm so fucking infatuated with you that I'm having trouble doing my job.” 

Nathan stares at him. His heart is beating in his throat and his hands are numb with pins and needles. 

“There you have it. Now can we make a joke about my huge gay crush on you and never talk to each other again?” Monty gets up as if to go open the door to show him out. 

Nathan stands up. He's not thinking when he reaches over the desk to grab Monty's tie and drags him into a kiss. He can't believe what he's done, but Monty gasps against his lips and his hands find the sides of his face, pulling him in. Just as he tries to deepen the kiss, Monty pulls away abruptly. 

“I'm -- You -- We can't. We can't do this.”

He blinks back at him. His heart hasn't stopped hammering and he can barely form a conscious thought. His mind is just _Monty_ ; the taste of his lips, his breath on his skin. 

“My job. I could lose my job. We shouldn't.” Monty swears quietly. He crosses his arms over his chest and shakes his head. “You should go.”

“You want me to go?”

“Yes.” 

\--

The dizziness doesn't hit him until he gets home. He sits on his living room floor and just breathes. Simple thoughts form in the jumbled mess of his mind. 

_Monty turned him down. He didn't choose him._

It takes a while for him to calm down. The reality hasn't quite set in yet and it all feels unreal. Maybe he'll wake up the next morning and it was all a dream.

He takes another shower to clear his head before getting into comfortable clothes. He considers calling Bellamy, but doesn't. He considers getting plastered, but shakes the thought quickly. 

There'd certainly be a hangover even without it. 

Twenty minutes of shopping channel and his mind’s turned comfortably numb. Soon he should be ready to go to sleep. 

The knock on the door doesn't surprise him. A small, hopeful part of his brain has waited for it. Monty starts talking as soon as he gets the door open. 

“I'm sorry. That was really selfish of me and I can't believe this is the second speech I'm giving you today, but - fuck - I was miserable trying to stay away from you and I don't even know what _this_ is for you because I was too busy panicking. I didn't think you were gay or into dudes anyway, but I hoped, but I also didn't because we're friends and you're not very... well, expressive at times so I could never tell if I was just making it up being hopeful, but god - fuck - I think I'm in love with you and that's fucking terrible, isn't it? And, fuck, fuck my job.”

Monty surges forward and crashes their lips together in a searing kiss. Nathan kicks the door shut so he can push Monty against it. There's a time for digesting what he just heard and combing through words and feelings and everything. But that time isn't now. 

He presses against Monty's body and kisses him until he feels lightheaded and can only feel Monty's hands on him and his lips against his. Monty curses under his breath as he pulls away to tug his shirt over his head. He licks his lips, hands coming up to trace the lines of his body. 

The buttons of Monty's shirt are too small and Nathan nearly tears one off in the rush to remove it. Finally he pushes the fabric off his shoulders and pulls him in. Monty's skin is hot against his. The way his fingers dig into Nathan's hips makes heat pool in his stomach. 

He starts pushing Monty towards the bedroom, but freezes when Monty grips the front of his pants. His fingers find the rapidly hardening line of his cock and Monty's lips turn into a grin around his gasp. 

They stumble into the bedroom and Monty doesn't wait before pushing him down on the bed. He crawls over him, pressing kisses over his chest as he moves up. He buries his hand in Monty's hair, and an old image flashes in his mind, making his cheeks burn hotter. 

It doesn't take much to drag him properly on top of him. Monty rolls his hips and he's hard in his slacks. Nathan can't help the noise he makes into his kiss. He's hot all over and he wants his hands on Monty. He wants to see him come undone and hear him say his name. 

Rolling them on their sides, Nathan gets his fly down. He shoves his pants out of the way without breaking the kiss Monty started but clearly won't finish. He sighs into Nathan's mouth as he wraps his fingers around his cock, giving him a tentative stroke. 

Monty squeezes his ass, sending a shiver up his spine, before pushing a hand in his sweatpants. He can't help looking down at Monty's hand on him because it's Monty and he's fantasizes about this more times than he can count. 

He moves without thinking, getting half on top of Monty and grasping both of their cocks in his hand. Monty's mouth hangs open as he watches him. When Nathan presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, he smiles. 

“ _Nathan._ ”

It's been a long while since he's done this with anyone, but his reaction to Monty breathing out his name catches him off guard. He has to stop to keep himself from coming right on the spot. 

“I knew you players were full of it but --”

Nathan cuts him off with a kiss. Monty's laughter turns into a groan when he cups his balls and bites his lip. He comes with a choked moan all over his hand and stomach. Nathan's so close all it takes is the look on Monty's face and the way he reaches for him with shaky hands.

Monty strokes his side as he slumps against him. He could fall asleep right there with his pants halfway down his thighs and come cooling on his stomach, but he doesn't want to. Not when Monty's still touching him gently, whispering nothings against his forehead, still lying there with him. 

“You still in there? I'm gonna --”

Nathan grabs his arm before he can pull away. Monty leans back in to kiss him. 

“I was gonna clean up. You can come with me, you know.”

He follows him to the bathroom. All he can think about is that he doesn't want Monty to leave. Monty told him he's in love with him. He hasn't said it back. He knows that he does. 

“Monty --”

The kiss he gives him is so soft Nathan forgets about everything else for that short moment. They get cleaned up, and Monty leads him back to bed. 

“You don't mind if I stay, yeah?”

He shakes his head quickly. They lie in silence for a while, their legs tangled and their faces inches away from each other. 

“Monty, I --”

Monty presses a finger over his lips. “You don't have to say it just because I had a meltdown and blurted out everything.”

“But you do?”

He wants to kiss the blush on Monty's cheeks. 

“Yeah. I'm kind of crazy about you. I'm sorry I was a jerk.”

Nathan keeps his breathing steady. His heart is beating so hard it almost hurts, but he feels so good he could burst. It's the tingle in his lips from being kissed so intensely, the heat at his fingertips where they're pressed against Monty's skin. 

“Yeah, I'm... Me too.”

Monty smiles and touches his nose with his own. “Get some sleep. I'm blowing you in the morning.”

Nathan groans and rolls his eyes. 

“I mean I don't have to if you don't wanna.”

He closes his eyes with a huff while Monty laughs quietly. 

\--

Bellamy chucks a balled up sock at him when he shows up for practice. 

“You didn’t answer my text this morning”, he says once Nathan’s passed the sock back to him

“Sorry, I slept in.”

He’s not going to tell Bellamy right now. He wouldn’t know what to say, how to explain it. That morning he woke up with Monty in his bed. He’d run his fingers over the expanse of his naked back and watched the rise and fall of his sides as he breathed. And when Monty opened his eyes and smiled sleepily at him, he’d felt more awake than in a long time. 

“Come on then, sleepyhead. Time to get your ass whooped.” Bellamy pats his shoulder and disappears through the door. 

He gets on the court a few minutes later and gets into rotation. Basketball keeps his mind busy for a good while of the day. They’re preparing for a game. It’ll be the fifth on their current winning streak and they’re cautiously hopeful. 

It’s not until they’re in the gym that the calm the morning brought starts to fade. Monty had pushed down the covers and kissed down his chest. He’d realized it’s the first time he’s seen him with his hair open as it framed his face when he took the head of his cock in his mouth. 

“Miller, you bringing anyone to the party?”

The answer dies in his throat. He always says no. Now, he wonders if he could ever say yes. 

They lied together afterwards, Monty sprawled over his chest. They didn’t talk. Nathan had pushed his hair behind his ear and made him laugh by saying he wished he was still 21 and able to recover in next to no time. 

“Uh, no. No, I’m not.”

“You want me to set you up with someone?” Mbege asks. “I hear Roma’s single again.”

“No, thanks.”

Monty’s endangering his job by being with him. He could be fired on the spot for having an intimate relationship with a player. There’s all kinds of ethical reasons at play. And he doesn’t know if them both being men would make the board see it as more scandalous than it really is. 

There’s a risk in being too hopeful, too trusting. All he knows is that he trusts Monty. 

When he lets Monty in that night, his head hurts with questions. Monty kisses him and the pain subdues. He lets Monty push him down on the couch and straddle his thighs. He kisses back until he doesn’t. 

“You okay? Do you not want to..?” Monty holds his chin to have him meet his eyes. 

“I don’t think you should stay with me.”

Monty blinks at him in confusion. “What are you talking about?” He climbs off of him, sitting with his legs crossed against the side of his thigh. “Like stay for the night?”

“Be with me. I think you should find someone who can be with you better.”

“What’s better? I don’t get what you’re saying, Nathan.”

“I can’t go out with you. On dates and stuff. I can’t take you places, show you around. I can’t show the world how happy you make me feel. I can’t be out for you. I can’t.”

Monty’s brows furrow as he watches him. Nathan stares at his lap. He’s said what he needed to. It’s the solution he ended up with. He couldn’t offer that to Monty. 

“You’re risking your job for me. Your career that you’ve worked hard for. I can’t ask that from you.”

“Nathan.” Monty reaches for his face, turning his face gently towards his own. “I’m not asking that from you. I don't need that stuff.”

Now it’s his turn to be confused. 

“I just want to be with you. I don’t want anything but you. Okay?”

“Are you gonna think that way when we go to the same parties, but can’t get photographed together? When we can't hold hands in public?”

“You are enough”, Monty promises, his voice steady. “Do you not want to give this a chance?”

“All I’ve wanted for a long time is just to play basketball. To rank higher, to earn more. I still want those things. I’m still in the game. But... I also want you. I have for months. And I feel... happier with you. Like I haven't in a long time. I want that.”

Monty kisses him sweetly. “You’ll tell me what you’re thinking, yeah? If something doesn’t feel right.” 

He nods. Monty stands up and holds out his hand. 

“Let's go to bed.”

He goes happily, letting Monty curl around him in the dark. A strand of his hair tickles his neck when he closes his eyes. 

\--

There are good days and bad days. Sometimes he's tired and can't talk without snapping. Sometimes Monty's too stressed and can't think about anything but work. So they eat breakfast in silence.

Monty stays over more often than not. He's learned to appreciate the small things. Like how Monty presses his cold toes against his thigh. How his back arches when he comes. How his hair feels between his fingers after a shower. 

They don't kiss after a game or hold hands in the street. But once they're home Monty holds him after a loss and kisses him breathless after a win. At night he turns off all his phones and lies with him, just the two of them surrounded by peaceful silence. 

There's a picture of them on his nightstand, and Monty kisses him on the cheek before leaving for work. 

He keeps speaking for mental health awareness. He donates money to the causes he can't support openly the same way. Monty moves in, and the apartment never feels too big again. 

His dad’s smile is knowing when he meets Monty. He jokes about wedding bells and Monty blushes. 

There's a championship game. They lose by just a touch. It feels crushing but it isn't. There's still time. 

Bellamy throws a balled up napkin at him. He drags his eyes from across the room where Monty's smiling at him next to Raven. Harper's retirement party is at full go and the place is packed. 

“You okay?” Bellamy asks. 

“Yeah”, he says.

**Author's Note:**

> hi peyton


End file.
